Really, really bad day

15. října 2014 v 19:50 |  Láska a vztahy
Dear Diary,

things are bad again. Is it really possible things can change like this? Is it really possible he could change like this? I can´t recognize the guy he became. He was so sweet and so protective and caring. But now? I don´t know who he is, I just know, that this isn´t the guy I married. I used to loved him so much. I belived in him. I believed, he would never hurt me, never said anything painful, but there he is. He doesn´t care about me anymore, he doesn´t care how I feel. He is completely capable say to me: "Shup up." I think, this is the line. This is my boundaries. It isn´t something new, that I have a problem to forgive him for what he have done. I would never forget the moment, when he said to me: Do you really think, that the fact, that you are not able to get along with anyone, isn´t your fault? Do you think, you are not a problem? You know what, maybe I am, but he should be the only person in the world, who should love me anyway. Who should not care about this. And maybe, just maybe, he used to be that person. Few years ago. When we met, fall in love, got married. But know, we are different person. We both have changed. But unfortunatelly we went different directions. We started to hate each other for our personality trai. We lost what we thought is the reason, why we are together. I think I always knew, that he isn´t the one. The right one. My prince. I´m pretty sure, if I would have some normal family, someone who would love me, who would give me the feeling I´m not alone in the world, I would never stay with him. From the begining was everything as he wanted to. We were together, when he want. We did what he want. He never defended me, when his friends gossip me, be rude at me. He didn´t care and I defiinetelly should have known it in that moment. But I was young and stupid and I really think, that someone who love his family the way he did would be a great husband. That he will take care of me, be kind of me, that he would never hurt me physically or mentally. But I was wrong. Maybe the boy he used to be was like this, but the guy I live now is deffinetely not like this. He is careless. I really hoped we could work together. Stay together no matter of our differencies, but... But now I think we can´t. I don´t think I want to. I would just love to start over. Start a new life. Without him. Somewhere far far away from him. I just would like to run a never come back. But in some point in your life, just can´t start over. You can´t left your life no matter how much you hate it. I would love to do it, but I just don´t know how. I can´t imagine to be alone again. After ten years, after everything we went through. But I can´t be with him like this. I starting to hate him. I used to love him so much. And I really believed, he felt it the same. but maybe I was wrong. Maybe either of us was never in love. Maybe we just - I don´t know. I have no fucking idea what to do. I wish to sleep and never wake up. I don´t think I can do this anymore :-(

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